


Of Hats and Men

by eLOCIn, Percilout



Series: The (Bat-)Hat-Saga [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Getting Together, Hatober, M/M, what the hell am i doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eLOCIn/pseuds/eLOCIn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Percilout/pseuds/Percilout
Summary: When Clark could hear Bruce's voice and his breathing but not the beat of his heart, he didn't think that they would find themselves in quite this situation.Hatober Day 3 - Wizard Hat
Relationships: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne
Series: The (Bat-)Hat-Saga [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1968073
Comments: 13
Kudos: 58





	Of Hats and Men

**Author's Note:**

  * For [santino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/santino/gifts).



> When you join the manmanbangbang Discord and immediately start writing a crack fic about hats of all things, you know you've arrived at the right place. This is not beta-read and I didn't even reread it as I just finished it. Please tell me if there are any glaring mistakes.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. Superman just didn’t know what it was yet. It just felt like it, like something was missing, something that was important (at least to him).

Using his superspeed, he dodged a tree that was being flung in his direction. Rising high up into the sky and closing his eyes, he started to concentrate on his surroundings. Diana could deal with the rest of their enemies on the ground.

He found to himself and then gradually let his senses move outwards, where he could hear the quiet breathing of Diana and Bruce and their steady heartbeats and - wait. There was only one heartbeat.

“Kal!”

“Bruce?” he whispered into the wind.

Superman opened his eyes, looking down at the patch of forest they were fighting in. He dropped down and looked around for Bruce but couldn’t see him anywhere.

Walking in the direction of Bruce’s breathing, he suddenly grew wary. How was it possible to hear someone’s breathing but not their heartbeat? There was nothing around except for the trees and some bushes, not even his x-ray vision let him see his friend anywhere.

“Kal, I’m up here.” The rumbling bass coming from right above him soothed him for a moment until he looked up and was greeted by a sight he had never thought he’d see.

“Jesus, Bruce, is that you?! What the hell happened to you?”

On the other side of the clearing, Mr. Mxyzptlk was jumping around, loudly laughing at no one but himself.

“It is all about feeeeeelings!” With another high-pitched laugh, he was gone.

bat

When Diana had joined them after defeating the last of their enemies and Superman had carried Bruce off the very top of the tree, they had immediately made their way back to the cave.

“This isn’t funny, Clark.”

“You look like that talking hat from Harry Potter so I’d argue that it is. Although I’d also prefer to see you turned back into a human, I’ll give you that.”

“Clark, I cannot work, I cannot even move around, I can do nothing but sit here and think. This is an actual nightmare.”

“Relax, I’m sure we will find out how to turn you back soon. Mxy said this is all about feelings, so” he paused, “well, how are you feeling?”

Bruce only stared at him. It looked very funny in his current form. Clark had to bite his tongue to stifle his laughter.

“Bored. Angry. Apart from that, I feel fine.”

“Good. Or maybe not. Do you have any idea what our favourite imp could have meant with those feelings?”

“No.”

“Well, then I don’t know how to help you for now. I’ll just try to fand Zatanna then. Do you want to stay down here or should I take you somewhere else?”

“Leave me here, I’ll survive it somehow.”

~~bat~~ hat

Flying into the cave, Clark knew that he should have argued Bruce’s decision to stay. The man-turned-magical-talking-hat was lying on the cave floor, wiggling around with heavy grunts.

“Geez, Bruce, you could have called me,” he muttered as he zipped to his best friend to pick him up and deposit him back on the desk. “What were you even doing to land yourself on the floor?”

“I was using the computer, which worked quite well until I got a cramp a minute ago.”

“Hats can get cramps?”

Bruce’s scathing look told him everything. Clark had to stifle another laugh.

“Zatanna told me she’ll be here-”

“Good evening, boys! Oh, what a lovely problem you have here,” she greeted them with a grin. Then, she muttered something and scowled. “It was good to see you again but unfortunately, I can’t help you here. Just do whatever Mxy told you to do. Bye!”

“Wait, Zee, I-” he tried to stop her but Zatanna was already gone. “Well, that was a waste of time.”

“I could have told you that earlier,” Bruce grumbled into his non-existing hat-beard.

Clark turned around to the desk, mouth open wide and an annoyed expression painting his face. “ _Then why didn’t you?”_

Bruce cocked the tip of his ~~body~~ ~~hat~~ being as if it were an eyebrow and looked back at the computer screens.

“You were being too loud.”

“Too loud?” he asked, incredulous.

“Yes, as always. I couldn’t think.”

Clark’s mouth, that had closed in the meantime, fell wide open again.

“I guess I’ll just leave again if that’s the case.”

“Good.”

“Good!”

After waiting for another few seconds for Bruce to say something else that never came, he huffed and flew off to Metropolis. He left Bruce alone in the dark cave with more than just a bit of satisfaction.

~~bat~~ hat

His days went on quite uneventful. He had heard nothing else from his best friend during the last few days, so he thought that he might have found the solution to his problem on his own. That hope was quickly evaporated as he left the Daily Planet after work just to hear a quiet “Clark” coming from the direction of Gotham.

The sight he was greeted by was not one he was used to and he hoped he would never have to get used to it. Bruce’s boys were standing around the dining table laughing their heads off. In the middle of the table, he could see an atrocity of the highest order. Hat-Bruce had been turned into a shining Christmas tree with tiny reindeer decorating his sides and a big star on top. Tinsel was hanging around his eyes as if they were his eyelashes and crushed candy cane was used to turn his lips into “Santa’s Sweet Bliss”, as Dick had called it.

“Clark! Glad you’re here, I’m sure you can finally help the old man out. Though I’m surprised he got over himself and called you here so quickly.”

For the third time in just as many days, his mouth fell open in a gape.

“Okay kids, enough fun, you don’t have to actually torture Bruce right now,” he said, wincing at the state his friend was in.

Dick and Tim left with more laughter and Clark was alone with Bruce again.

Slowly, as the decoration seemed quite fragile, he started to take it off his best-buddy-hat-man. The expression on the hat’s face seemed quite sour.

“I’m really sorry they did that to you. And for just leaving you in the cave like that the last time. And for not being there for-”

With a sigh, Bruce interrupted him. “Clark, stop, none of this is your fault.”

“Leaving you in the cave kinda is.”

Bruce rolled his eyes, still surrounded by glittering tinsel.

“Alfred found me ten minutes later.”

“Oh,” Clark said, taking the last reindeer off, “that’s good then but why are you still in this form? Do you need anyone’s help? Do you need a hattrick?”

The brown mass let out a loud groan.

“What are you even talking about? Isn’t that a football term?”

“Never in my life have I heard a football-”

“Not our football, the other one.”

“Oh. I honestly have no idea.”

Bruce just shook his head which looked very funny with the star still attached to the tip of his hat-being. Had Clark not still felt sorry for his friend’s suffering, he would definitely have laughed out loud at that.

“So, what else is it? Which feelings was he talking about?”

“He-” Bruce cut himself off, squinting at the man currently towering over him.

“Come on, B, it can’t be that bad. Or, wait, is it? Do you feel bad? Do you need _therapy_?” His voice increasingly filled with concern, not improved by the fact that Bruce was slowly closing his eyes, looking resigned. “Bruce? Do you really need a therapist? If so, you can surely talk to Dinah or I can help you find someone else.”

“No, Clark, it’s not about those kinds of feelings, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again, not wanting his best friend subjected to any kind of pain, be it mental or physical. It was already bad enough he was turned into a hat of all things.

Bruce let out a drawn-out sigh and muttered, “Really, I’m fine. If you could take me up to my bedroom, I can explain it to you.”

The man picked the newly turned hat up and asked, “Oh, have you found out what this is all about?”

“Clark. Bedroom.”

With a flourish in his step, he shut his mouth and made his way up the many stairs of Wayne manor.

~~bat~~ hat

He had never actually set foot in Bruce’s bedroom before and was pleasantly surprised by the homey feeling it exuded. The big bed looked like it was personally inviting him to jump into it and take a good, long nap, while the nightstand and other cabinets were decorated with pictures of the Wayne family and a selection of their friends.

In one picture on the left-hand nightstand, Clark spotted a recent photograph of Bruce and himself. It showed them standing next to each other in the manor’s garden, their backs turned towards the camera and their gazes lingering on the kids doing some backflips. Alfred must have taken it when they were too engrossed in the spectacle before them to notice.

Clark smiled a little at the memory and then carefully deposited his best friend on the mattress.

“So, Bruce, what’s the deal with you,” Clark asked light-hearted, comforted in the knowledge that his friend was feeling all right. That comfort quickly decreased as Bruce didn’t reply. It evaporated completely when he let himself tip hat-face first into the pillow before him with a groan.

“Jesus, what is up with you? I know you might not be comfortable talking about whatever this means as it concerns your feelings and you prefer to keep them private but I’m starting to get genuinely concerned about you.”

Bruce straightened himself back up, which looked like it took a considerable amount of effort in his current state, and told Clark to sit down.

“Clark.”

“Bruce.”

“Don’t interrupt me.”

“Sorry, it’s just, I’m getting kinda nervous. This seems serious.”

Bruce let out another groan. Paired with a roll of his eyes, he nearly seemed like his old self again. If it weren’t for the hat.

“That’s because it is. It’s just the case that it doesn’t have anything to do with any type of bad feelings. In fact, it’s opposite, I think it’s a case of,” Bruce cut himself off, clearing his throat. Which was probably non-existent, so how was he even able to communicate? How did he survive without a heart? Did he actually have to breathe now or could he do without? _Where was his brain?_ Clark shook himself to get out of his thoughts and back to what Bruce was currently trying to tell him.

“-and that’s why I needed to tell you.”

“Sorry, what?”

“Clark, you giant idiot, were you seriously not listening to me right now?!” Bruce shouted with all the might that his small, leathery-brown body could produce.

“ _I’m sorry_ , you being a hat is actually quite distracting. No need to shout at me,” he huffed. “Tell me again?”

“Maybe I don’t want to tell you anymore because my feelings are clearly so important to you,” Bruce retorted and turned away.

Clark rolled his own eyes this time and pulled his friend closer to himself. The force behind it was a little too strong as Bruce’s face crashed right into his hip, into which the hat mumbled a “Christ, I hate you” before he shuffled back a bit.

“I really am sorry but me spacing out for a single minute is no reason for you to suddenly get grumpy on me.”

“Well then maybe it’s a good reason when I just told you that _I have fallen for your stupid head_ and _you decide not to listen to it_ ,” Bruce hissed before he turned away once more and hopped to the other side of the bed.

“I - you - _what_?” Clark stammered as he felt his eyes bulge out of their socket. Had Bruce really just said that?

“You heard me. And now leave before I decide to roll down to the cave and get the Kryptonite. You clearly neither reciprocate nor care about what I feel so you can go now.”

The Kryptonian had never heard his best friend sound so miserable and he was not going to let him stay that way for any longer. He grabbed the hat by its brim and held him up with both hands right in front of his own face.

“Bruce, if you really think so, then your little transformation took more than just your organs.” Clark paused to steady himself with a deep breath. “Bruce. I love you too.”

The expression on the bat-hat was one of shock but it didn’t hold for long as Bruce slowly turned into his old self right before his eyes. Soon, Clark was holding a very human (and very naked) Bruce Wayne in his lap as they stared at each other some more.

“So…” Clark started, “so, uh, I guess we should talk about this?”

He didn’t get the chance to say anything else as Bruce moved forward and captured his lips with his own. The wizard hat-atrocity was gone, so they had enough time to talk later.

If Clark had to suppress a chuckle at the sweet taste of candy cane on his tongue, that was his secret to keep.

bat

**Author's Note:**

> (AND THEN THEY HAVE SEX BECAUSE BRUCE IS ALREADY NAKED SO WHY NOT GET BOTH OF THEM NAKED)
> 
> There we go, hope you liked it, hope you had fun! Please tell me if I managed to make you laugh, that would make my whole week. <3


End file.
